Crank

I was afraid I may have seen this movie before. I just couldn't remember. I knew Jason Statham played Chev Chelios who has been poisoned and must keep his adrenaline pumping until he can find the antidote (or something like that) but I couldn't remember if this knowledge came from a combination of seeing the previews and reading the netflix blurb, or if I'd actually watched the movie. One thing that made me think maybe I hadn't seen the movie is that his girlfriend is played by Amy Smart, who I really liked in Rat Race--I really wanted to see her in other movies, but previously I think the only other movie I'd seen her in was The Butterfly Effect. I felt like if I'd seen her in Crank I would have remembered it. But maybe not.

Well, after watching the movie tonight, would you believe I'm still not sure if I'd seen it before? I definitely had never sat down to watch the entire thing, but it's possible that Hud watched it while I puttered around the house. I seem to remember the ringtone on Chev's cell phone, which has got to be the most annoying one I've ever heard--at first I thought it was just distorted due to the effects of the poison, but it continued that way throughout the movie, so I assume it was just a weird ringtone that sounds like it's melting. But that's the only part of the movie that seemed familiar to me.

It was funny to see Pedro of "Vote for Pedro" fame in this movie, especially as he played a very flaming gay friend of Chelios. Certainly nothing like the Pedro I remember. And I recognized Laurent the vampire as the Haitian cabdriver.

Favorite exchange, as Chev's doctor is asking about his symptoms to try to determine what kind of poison he's been given:

Doctor: "Any pain in your chest?"
Chev: "Not really. Actually I'm feeling pretty good right now."
Doctor: "What are you doing?"
Chev (very matter-of-fact, even blasé): "Driving through a mall, cops chasing me."

By the time Chev was at the hospital, I was thinking he's pretty much a jerk (as was everyone around him) and wondering why I should care if he lives or dies. He wasn't even the "hit man with a heard of gold." His doctor tells him on the phone, "Hey Chevy you're a good dude," but I just wasn't seeing it. Then he gets out of the hospital all hopped up on epinephrine and I'm cracking up. He was just Forrest Gumpin' it all over the city. So I decided I could stand to keep watching.

I was disappointed with Amy Smart in this movie. She was nothing more than a blonde bimbo--the kind of role Goldie Hawn would have filled 20 years ago--think back to "Bird on a Wire" with all that stumbling around and shrieking. She's a cute girl, but in this movie she should have gone by Amy Stupid. The one thing I liked about her performance was her hiccups while Chev was trying to tell her the truth about his job. Those hiccups made the scene (or at least made it palatable enough that I could stand watching it). But overall, her character of Eve the Girlfriend didn't hold a candle to her sharp and tough (but slightly psychotic) helicopter pilot in Rat Race. And their public sex scene in Chinatown was just absolutely ridiculous. Although I must give kudos for the choice of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" as accompaniment.

I'm not interested in seeing the sequel. I definitely like Statham's Frank Martin better than his Chev Chelios. I think I'll stick with Transporter movies from now on and won't rush to see anything else Jason Statham is in. Speaking of sequel, anyway, it's just stretching reality way too far to have Chelios survive a chute-less fall from a helicopter, including bouncing off a car's roof and splattering on the pavement, and live to shoot a sequel. Even if he did blink after he hit the road.

Transporter 3

My faith in Jason Statham is restored. All it took was the first fight scene, where Frank Martin was whooping up on at least 5 thugs simultaneously (of course)... and in the midst of the chaos, he tosses his suit jacket onto a coat rack. Yes, he is super cool. I should have known... two guns in the picture, see? And the second fight sequence was just gravy. First Frank uses his suit jacket, then his tie, and finally his shirt, as weapons... with the nice side effect that he ends up shirtless. He looks mighty good that way! And he ends up taking his shirt off twice during the movie. Bonus! And who would have ever thought of breathing air from your tires if your car becomes submerged in a river? He is super cool, ripped, and smart!

There were a few problems. How did I see the ambulance explosion coming as soon as Malcolm said "not far from the car" but Frank didn't figure it out until it was too late? It also took Frank half the movie to figure out "You're the package" (referring to the girl)--Duh! I figured that out in the first scene. And I was cracking up when Frank got onto a bicycle to chase the car thief. I'm not sure why I can suspend disbelief for the rest of the movie (the fights, the driving--even when Frank came to a sliding stop inches from the edge of the cliff) but not for the bicycle chase sequence. 

Found another good song in this movie! I will be downloading "Wherever You Were" by Holly Golightly. 

The Bank Job

This was another one selected by my husband (I didn't see a gun in the picture, but heck, it's Jason Statham; I was sure he had one under that coat somewhere) but I expected to enjoy it anyway. I usually like to watch Jason Statham at work. I thought he was super cool--so cool that it doesn't even matter that he is mostly bald.

Well, I found out in watching this movie that Jason Statham is only super cool when he is in the Transporter movies. In fact, it is not Jason Statham that is super cool at all; it is just Frank Martin (his character in the Transporter movies) who is super cool. You know, I bet he didn't even do his own driving in the Transporter movies. I am so disillusioned. 

I thought (and my husband agreed!) that this movie was long and dull. Jason Statham barely even kicked ass. Ugh. This was not the movie I was expecting. In fact my husband said he would have preferred going to bed early over staying up to watch this movie. Yup, I could have used the extra sleep.